Dating fortune cookies

Monster dittowizard February 4, Might be the most honest fortune cookie ever. Well if this isn't the most ominous fortune cookie I've ever gotten.

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Look at ericdecker87 fortune cookie!!!! Oh fortune cookie stop it youre making me blush twitter. I just got this, was like having Chairman Mao whisper in my ear. Worst fortune cookie ever. Say it ain't so. Nice try fortune cookie.

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Its for you DoctorWho. Best fortune cookie, this from my friend also playing now at kencen in Billy Elliiot , Cynthia Darlow: Check out the fortune cookie I just got! If ur ever feeling cheated or ignored just remember there is no fortune in my fortune cookie twitter. Image via iStockphoto , DNY We're using cookies to improve your experience. Click Here to find out more. They just think out body is too small for our head. Outsmarted by a fortune cookie again. Let's see you insult us when you're soaking in our digestive juices, you little bastard.

We played a mean game of Truth or Dare when we were in junior high. Every Saturday night, we'd have a sleepover with our two best friends, and we'd play a few rounds when we were actually supposed to be asleep. Anyway, we were kind of chicken when we were younger, so we never really picked the dare option, meaning that we were forced to confess truths about ourself.

Truths that, if they got out, would change the way people look at us forever. Our fate rests in the hands of our two BFFs from school, and we don't trust those idiots as far as we can spit. Our self-esteem is taking a real beating today. We weren't prepared for this. We don't have nearly enough junk food to turn to so we can eat our feelings. If you insist on beating up our emotions, fortune cookies, at least wait until we have three pounds of chocolate to gorge on.

You underestimate this guy's date, fortune cookie. Maybe she could do better. But she's been with hotties before, and she's learned they're not always so great. Now, she's going to be with an ugly, because she's tired of being treated like an object. She wants to be appreciated for her mind, for her personality, for who she is, not just what she looks like. So screw you, fortune cookie, for presuming to know the extent of the situation.

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Educate yo'self next time. Guys, if we ever get so high that we start asking weird ass questions like this, we want you to promise us that you will report us to the police. Here's a question for you, fortune cookie.

It a fortune doesn't have a cookie, is it dumb or just stupid? We don't know if this is wise or arrogant and, TBH, we still don't even know why a fortune cookie would be doing target practice in the first place. Frankly, at this point, we're getting sick of fortune cookies coming up with random crap, and everybody bowing down in worship before them because they think these fortunes are so deep and wise. It's like if a fortune cookie said, "The sky is actually brown, if you look at it a certain way," people would be all like, "Wow, that's a really good point, fortune cookie.

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I never thought of it that way. It's just not fair. This fortune cookie is onto us!

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It knows what we said earlier about us being able to come up with fortunes just as good as some of these, and it knows that we're trying to get a job as a professional fortune cookie writer! We'd better hide, before it—actually, no. We don't need to hide. It's just a cookie. If it doesn't like what we said about it, then that's tough nipples. Unless and until you can fight us about it, we don't care if we hurt your feelings, you overrated vessels of insults and hatred!

This makes us uncomfortable. We mean, we know everybody who has ever eaten a fortune cookie has said this exact same thing.

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But still, we don't like it when our cookies break the fourth wall. So, was the person who invented the fortune cookie just sitting around one day, and they were like, "I want to insult people and make them feel bad, but not suicidal bad, just depressed and full of self-loathing bad. I wonder how I can effectively, yet passive aggressively, achieve this? I know what I'll do! I'll type up these little insults, only I'll call them 'fortunes' so people get excited about them. Then, I'll hide them in a cookie shell, so when people read their 'fortune' and get upset, they'll still have the cookie to cheer them up—only they won't enjoy it, because it will be stale, and it will leave an awful aftertaste!

You ever notice how when you're with someone, you kind of build them up in your mind? Like, you tend to make them seem way better than they actually are? Yeah, well, this fortune cookie is here to drag you away from your self-made fantasy world and to unceremoniously catapult you back into reality. You just thought you were going to marry your high school sweetheart without having any doubts about it. That'll show you to dream. No, what's actually going to happen is your high school sweetheart will never make a national team.

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  5. He'll start gaining weight faster than the speed of light. Ten years later, he'll become a professional competitive eater. Oh, you'll still be married to an athlete, alright. But he won't look like the macho football player of your dreams. What a great way to end this post. You open it, you read the ominous fortune on the tiny slip of paper, you put it out of your mind.

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    But it keeps coming back to you. You'll be petting your cat while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer , then your brain will remember. You'll be eating a slice of chocolate cake at your friend's birthday party, laughing and having a ball, when, suddenly, you'll have an existential crisis because, DEATH. You'll be trying to live your life and enjoy your brief time here on Earth, but you'll never be able to because that one fortune cookie said "death.

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